I haven’t blogged for a little while for one reason mainly I just haven’t had the motivation to do it recently. I’ve been in such a ‘meh’ place I can’t even really explain it.
This month has been strange to say the least. I’ve been going back and forth with myself trying to work out if I need to go back to councilling. I do. I just frankly haven’t got the bollocks to make the phone call again and make an appointment for one reason the last time I had an appointment with them, I tried to end my life later that day. So I am terrified I remember the first day I tried to make the appointment my phone was going mental with notifications and messages from people moaning I hadn’t replied to their message straight away that I stopped trying to find the information get in contact and just shut the world out more. I’ve found my mental health in a really low place and it’s a mood I can’t shift.
It’s like I’ve lost my mojo
It then comes down to blogging and feeling like I don’t fit in. It’s a strange thing the parenting community is huge and often talks about accepting everyone no matter where they are from. Being a mum at 23 is the awkward part a lot of the parents are older and had their children later in life so in some ways you’re made to feel like your knowledge isn’t as valuable even though we all have the same aim. Keeping that small human alive and making sure they don’t grow up to be a dickhead. It’s as simple as that. It’s often quite disheartening to be brutally honest and can sometimes make you feel isolated inside a large community of people. I’ve found myself questioning it and simply came to the thought it something I write help or resonate with someone, I enjoy it so I’m going to carry on. I just have to wait for the fog to lift sometimes.
My personal life has been hard this recently too, we had a family issue on Tuesday which somehow caused my mother and I to have a huge row over something that isn’t even anything to do with me but I got blamed.. Ideal. Harper’s been so testing this month she’s teething and also causing a path of destruction as she goes along, I feel like my day is a constant please don’t do that, please don’t eat that, stop pulling on the animals, please don’t throw your food on the floor. NO DON’T. It’s been monotonous and I’ll be honest I’ve struggled. I’ve cried more than I care to admit. I’ve found myself struggling with things that would normally be a breeze and wanted to shut down and sleep. I normally struggle to sleep and now all I want to do is sleep it’s a vicious circle.
It’s an episode I don’t want to admit I’m having.
I think if I’m honest this post has been more of a self help and vent than the post I intended it to be. I think it’s time to pull my finger out and go for the help I really need.
Hopefully the fog lifts soon and I’ll be back to blogging properly soon.
until then K xxx
**images from google**