Honestly, I don’t even know where to start this blog post…
It’s going to get really deep really fast so make sure you’ve got you life vest ready…
a couple of months ago I had a mental break down, seriously.
Like – I fucking punched a hole… scratch that, I TRIED to punch a hole in the wall of our garage. The wall won – and I spent a month with a broken hand. Awesome.
Now, you may question me on what just happened that led me to this breakdown, or as some may call it “spiritual awakening”
I like the sound of spiritual awakening much better than mental breakdown.
I mean, who really wants to hang out with a nut case?
2017 has been the kind of year that’s like hey FUCK YOU!
Shortly after my son zephyr was born at the end of July in 2016, my mother ended up in the hospital
And truly that is where my downward spiral began.
While writing this blog post I found myself re-sharing the story of what happened leading up to my mothers death and personally,
I don’t want to re-live those moments, so if you’re curious you can go ahead and read more about that in my blog post “Its been one month since I lost my dearest Mother”
Along with having a kid and losing my mom with-in the same year I also tried to take on the task of taking care of my father.
all three of those things combined had me at my limits.
I didn’t even get to grieve the loss of my mother before having to continue my responsibilities as an adult.
I never intended on having child and to be honest I was completely terrified when bringing him home.
Then shortly after adding the stress of my moms condition.
I was seriously living life on eggshells.
I was an emotional wreck – constantly.
I would wake up completely upset and fall asleep completely upset.
I was nursing zeph day and night, he still nurses through out the night to be completely honest.
But after losing my mom and being completely sleep deprived I couldn’t see any other way things could work better for us.
I needed his comfort more than he needed mine, just to keep me from breaking. What I didn’t realize was that I was creating a vicious cycle of no sleep and irritability and attachment.
Anyways, back on track.
It was one week before Zephyr’s first Birthday, I was a sleep deprived mess.
Juggling caring for Zeph, helping my dad, my responsibilities around the house, tying to accomplish my own personal dreams and goals and being a complete depressed wreck – I cracked.
I went to sleep Friday night with my brain a mess of emotional termoil – thinking about the fact that my mother wouldn’t get to enjoy my baby boys first birthday, and woke up feeling worse than I went to bed.
I joined the family in the living room and everything seemed to irritate me.. EVERYTHING!
I commented on how no one helps me change diapers, Harped on them for it and complained about golf and how it is fucking boring and stupid and how I don’t know why would anyone watch this shit!
I seriously had a smart ass comment for anything and everything that happened.
Because of that I decided it would be best if I just went back to our bedroom and folded laundry or something to get my mind off of what was bothering me.
As I was doing this I heard zephyr creeping his way down the hall way, and then my father in law yelling for him to come back
I said “he’s fine, I’m back here.. I think he’s coming to me.”
And whether I was heard or not, my father in law kept calling him and I kept shouting that he was fine, I was there to keep an eye on him.
And then finally my father in law walked down the hall and grabbed Zephyr to which I told him one last time – HE IS FINE, he was coming back here and I’m back here…
and he snapped “ugh! Randy told me to grab him!”
And so I just shut the door so I could be alone.
I was already dreading my sons first birthday, and was happy that he wanted to come see me so when my father in law snatched him up and didn’t let him come back to me I was instantly offended and upset.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault that I was feeling this way, and I didn’t know how to share my feelings about what was going on.
I decided to just lay down hoping to shake these negative feelings but they just wouldn’t go away.
So I began writing out my feelings , I was broken, I was sobbing, I was a fucking mess.
That’s when my husband came back to tell me how badly I had upset his father.
His dad was just trying to help keep the baby safe and thought I was mad at him, especially because I had this shitty attitude towards everyone earlier that morning.
After an exchange of words and an argument transpiring I decided to hop in my car and leave – a terrible idea when you are already upset.
I drove around the block and decided it was best if I just drove back home.
I didn’t need to be out on the road while under so much stress,
But at he same time I needed to be alone to sort out my feelings.
When I got home my husband and I both had tempers because…who doesn’t after getting into an argument?
I can’t remember what exactly was said but it basically came down to my husband telling me if I wasn’t happy to leave – so I ran in the house to grab my clothes, my dad, and my son.
My husband and I were just red with anger, boy feeling offended we wanted our voices to be heard – and being angry – neither of us were willing to listen.
And then my mother in law walked in the room questioning the situation – not understanding what was going on.
And I will never forget the moments that transpired.
She was refusing to let me take my son – rightfully, because I was angry, and he didn’t need to be in the car with someone who was upset and irrational.
But I was irrational, thought they were threatening to take my son from me because of the way I was acting so I fucking lost it.
She told me I needed to calm down.
“Calm down?! Calm down?! you want me to fucking calm down? I’ll show you calm!”
And I ran outside and just started screaming, I needed something cathartic.
I needed some way to release all of these pent up feelings that I was struggling with
So I ran into the garage, and punched that wall as hard as I could, thinking the house was made with cheap dry wall but I was wrong.
I knew instantly something was wrong my hand but then my husband and mother in law made their way out front – to try and resolve the problem, which just led to me becoming more and more angry.
I started screaming at my mother in law, i said things I’ve never wanted to say, I put hands on her, I pushed her away from me.
I was so Angry, I was so broken, I was so distressed.
And I snapped..
That was a pivotal moment in my life.
I never want to be that person that came out of me that day.
I never want to lash out that way at anyone for any reason.
No one deserves to be the treated the way I was treating people, especially the way I treated my mother in law.
That moment was a true wake up call for me.
I knew at that point I needed to make a change in my life. I needed to find a way to get my mind off of all of the negativity and persevere in accomplishing my goals.
I had planned on seeing a psychologist – which I haven’t yet, but I consider it still.
I have really been trying to practice being aware of my emotions and feeling them for what they are.
I have been trying to allow myself time to heal, but also trying to push through the pain to accomplish tasks that make me feel fulfilled.
My husband and I had been working on a business venture, but to be honest I just felt completely overwhelmed and uninterested in the work I was doing so i completely quit.
I knew I needed something to focus my time and energy on though and that’s why I decided to start my little recycled clothing and home goods shop – Beach Baes.
I have run a few different shops of my own but none that I was truly passionate about, so I was trying to come up with something that sparked me.
Something that made me passionate.
Something that I knew was my purpose.
It all started with an idea to start a little mommy and son clothing shop with matching outfits.
I soon came to realize how difficult and costly it can be to create and produce a clothing line and began feeling defeated.
I was starting to look into costs of product and watste production and although companies themselves don’t produce a lot of waste, consumers do.
That’s when something hit me.
My mother always used to take me thrifting when I was young and I used to spend a lot of my free time altering the clothes we would buy simply because most of them didn’t fit me right.
That is when I had a wave of inspiration, I can alter and reconstruct clothing and sell my creations!
I’m starting small, and by small I mean really small –
Ive got my shop “Beach Baes” up but I’ve only got 3 items listed.
I often get frustrated because I want things to progress faster but i know as long as I continue to plug in slowly but surly things will build!
And honestly, even if things don’t work out and I never make a living with this business, I have a lot of fun picking out clothing and creating new things with them!
It fulfills so many of my passions, thrifting like I did when my mom was around, recycling materials that would normally be thrown out, and being able to express myself creatively through clothing!
If you’re struggling with depression, or grief I can tell you that finding a positive outlet to express yourself is so beneficial.
The first few months after my moms passing I sat around stressed and depressed watching TV and sleeping all day.
Some days I wouldn’t eat, some days I would stuff myself so full that all I could think about was throwing up.
I was full of so much anger and resentment but didn’t know how to express myself and so I bottled it up… until I was under so much pressure that I literally exploded.
I feel so ashamed to admit all of this because it is embarrassing to say that I did all of these things because I didn’t know how to express my feelings.
I still hesitate when looking my mother in law in the eye because I am so ashamed of the things I said to her.
I hate thinking about the person I was that day.
That isn’t like me, but I had bottled up so much that I couldn’t help completely losing my mind.
But you know what?
That is completely okay.
People lose theirs minds all of the time, what matters is who you come back as when you find yourself again.
When you do lose your shit,
Slow down because taking time to find yourself again is so damn important!
I just want to give a huge thank you to Kerry for letting me share a guest post on her blog! I feel completely honored and mindblown that she would choose me to be a guest!
And thank you to all of you for taking the time to read this!
If you need anyone to talk to about mental health – I am an open book and I am sure Kerry is just as welcoming to help!