As the years of my life have gone by there have been many opportunities I could of asked that aged old question “why me?”
I have been told by family and friends that most people don’t go through in a lifetime than what I have been through in just forty years I don’t feel that I have been through that much or maybe its just how I have coped with these things.
There have been many times when I felt that I just wanted to give up, that I was not good enough as a mother and a person I didn’t know where these feelings came from until I reached out for help and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I had felt these feelings for so long that I had accepted that this was my mindset and while my children needed me I would function for them and that is what I did, I functioned like a robot. I went through each day doing what I needed to do to meet there needs but I felt nothing I remember someone saying that even though there was a smile on my face my eyes were sad.
I can’t remember honestly where it all started for me as I said I hadn’t had things easy I’d been in a volatile and violent relationship for nine years and had escaped, in those years I also lost a little girl which was also a traumatic experience. I had survived but at what price? I was a woman who had no self confidence or belief. I had two little humans relying on me to give them a good life while I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.
When I realised I needed help it was day one of a very long journey and a journey I am still on, you see there is not a magic tablet that is going to make it go away forever and yes counselling helps you to express thoughts and feelings you will or would not tell anyone else. I also realised there is a strength that I had to find, somedays it is not there and can not be found, they are the hardest days. Other days its there it could be in my daughters smile or my sons laugh but that tiny moment gives me the strength to fight it and to always fight it.
I honestly have more good days than bad days now as time goes by, it has been accepting what has happened to me and allowing myself to heal, I have had to make the decision to allow things to be in the past and not affect my future.
So where am I now? I am a survivor, I am in a happy relationship with a man who adores me we have our challenges as he was diagnosed with MS in January so the future is unknown but we take a day at a time. The teenrager and diva are growing into well rounded humans. I can’t really ask for more for them.
I know depression and anxiety are always going to be there and I have accepted that , I have to just continue to take it a day at a time.
So as life give me lemons I will try to continue to make lemonade.
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