So its been almost a year since I became a parent and in the last few days I’ve been reflecting on all the changes that has happened and how some of them have affected our friendships. I was the first within the childhood friendship group to have a baby and sometimes its hard to relate like I used to.
I’ve noticed that when I see you I don’t have much to say unless its about Harper, you see I spend 90% of my life having a one way conversation with someone who hasn’t learnt how to have a conversation yet and within each day I will say the same sentences about 9 million times. Here’s a few for you: Stop trashing the blind, don’t antagonise the cat, stop sitting on the dog, please don’t throw your food, Why are you being so testing?! You get the idea, you know Harper she’s feral. In a way I’ve forgotten what an adult conversation is. The other part is honestly I’m a bit sick of my own voice. Hearing yourself repeat yourself a million times a day is hard work sometimes.
I don’t come out much anymore. If at all, You see being a stay at home mum with only Adam working we live week to week on minimal money, but being home with her helps my mental health so we’ve had to make sacrifices. When I say I can’t afford to come out its because I can’t. I might have £150 in my account at the time of asking so essentially I’m not broke but that money will be needed to feed or clothe Harper so with that I am skint and I cant come. I’d love to go be able to go out for a coffee one afternoon but the honest truth is we can’t always afford it.
I’ll admit that I’m not always there for you in ways I’d like to be, When you’re having a hard time with everything I want to be able to be there for you and tell you that it’ll be ok and I hope in some ways I’m still able to do that but going back to the top paragraph like I said I’ve forgotten how to have an adult conversation, Sometimes I can be midway through replying to your text and something will come up meaning that I get distracted and don’t reply straight away or sometimes at all.. Please know it’s not that I don’t care. I do I’ve just going a million things going through my head and sometimes I forget.
Sometimes I get jealous. It sounds stupid I know Harper wasn’t a planned baby and everything happened at a million miles an hour that I didn’t really get time to say goodbye to being “independent” before she came along. So when you’re out on nights out going to festivals etc I get a pang that I cant be there making memories along with you but my priorities have now changed. Plus being sober i’m admittedly a bit of a fun sponge.
I just want you to remember that even though I’m now a parent I still want to hear about all your adventures and all the fun stuff you do. I still care and I still love you all unconditionally just sometimes I’m now a bit of a shit person.