I have high functioning social anxiety meaning that I struggle to leave the house by myself. I’m a hermit essentially. Well not even essentially I am a hermit.
I have fears of public transport or going anywhere by myself with brings out sweats, heart palpitations and then floods of tears its dibiltating at times and 100% affects how I parent. Harper has never been to a mother and baby group or anything like that and it’s all my fault. We spend days at a time cooped up in the house, So to Harper thats normal because its all she knows however it breaks my heart daily that I am failing my child. It also has a knock on affect in my relationships with Adam and the outside world, He has two days off a week and normally he tries his hardest to get us out the house to do something as a family, most of the time I pull up my big girl pants and get on with it. Other times i’ll think of as many excuses as I can to get out of it. Due to my anxiety I havent been out properly with my friends properly for a good two years because the fear is too much.
It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t understand. Its normally met with “how can someone be scared of the outside” BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING SCARY OK! My self esteem is laughable because well I have none and on top of 3 other mental health illnesses my brain is at war with itself. I’m slowly finding confidence in myself but it’s always important that i take things slowly… Slow and steady wins the race right?
However with every bad day there is a good day, Today was a good day!
Adam let me sleep in this morning and also had a bacon roll ready and waiting when I pulled my arse out of bed at 11:30 this morning. He had our whole day planned which makes life easier for me making decisions isn’t my strong suit. wait for my dad to come down and drop some stuff off, go to Asda then take Leni to this local field he has found, that’s basically always empty. THE DREAM.
So off we went to Asda it was packed.. Typical.. now 5 years ago you’d find me right in the middle of mosh pits, normally at a gig or in a bar.. that seems like a thousand years ago because so much has happened.. anyway I’m digressing. Harper was being a dream full of laughs and smiles and just letting the whole world know we’re there.. It’s a weird vibe when you just want to get your shit done and then get out without having to bump into anyone or make eye contact when your child is letting people in the frozen aisle know you;re in the fruit and veg section… this kid is loud! So we bossed through, well I say bossed I looked like I had jumped into a full pool of water I’ll let you create your own personal image of me dripping in sweat.. You’re welcome.
Anyway we got home got the dog and went to explore this new field he had found and it was exactly what he described empty, even on a lovely sunny day! all the winning! We let Leni loose and let Harper do her thing mainly So I could get some more photos to show Harper that we didn’t spend all of our time in doors! Again she was the dream apart from trying to eat all the plants.. I mean what is it with Children and wanting to eat EVERYTHING.
Today my social anxiety didn’t win I did.