Everyone has bad days, days when you just want to cry lock yourself away and forget the outside world exists. The last two days have been bad days for me. The hardest thing about having bad days now I’m a parent is trying to find the balance of I still need to take care of myself but remembering there is someone more important than me who is 100% reliable on me ‘having my shit together.’
Yesterday was awful thankfully Adam was home so i could feel shit and it was kind of ok. I spent most of my day feeling awful, i spent hours just led on my sofa staring into space, i cried because i felt so bad and not only that i felt so incredibly guilty i had mum guilt of epic proportions. It was our family day it was the day we’re meant to spend together making memories this was not the case. Adam and Harper went for some quality time together She’s so lucky to have the most incredible Dad they absolutely adore each other shes his little best friend and side kick. Yesterday I barely held my child I didn’t play with her and i couldn’t even bring myself to do her dinner – I was ultimate twat mum yesterday however her dad stepped in and saved the day. I’m lucky to have this man they played for hours and i just sat there and watched they napped together they laughed and they smiled, This is going to sound so odd.. but it hurt my heart it hurt my heart that i couldn’t join in because i felt so incredibly shit about myself and the world. The media shows so many images of all these mums with their shit together who are laughing and playing and hiding their emotions whilst their child is awake & ladies i salute you. I wish i had the will power of being able to hide my feelings for those very few hours that my child is awake However having mental health some times its incredibly difficult to hide how you’re really feeling, Having Post natal depression & Anxiety is exhausting you’re constantly battling yourself as well as the ideals of the world. Being a parent is equally exhausting you’re constantly on edge thinking, watching, hoping and loving your child, there’s never time to just be you. Now i know it probably comes across that I’m whinging about life and that i’m so blessed to have my little girl. I am shes fucking awesome everything she does is awesome however I’m still human, I still have feelings I still hurt when i see or read something that breaks my heart. I’m not a machine.
The thing about bad days it means good days are coming it doesn’t mean every day will be like yesterday but it doesn’t mean today or tomorrow will be a bed of roses but there’s nothing to say that next week something will happen and it will be amazing.