So today’s ramble is about coping with someone who doesn’t understand the daily struggles of someone with anxiety..
My boyfriend is wonderful 90% of the time but when it comes to my mental health he just sometimes doesn’t understand..
Our most common argument is about going outside. We have a shop which is about a minute walk from our house but there’s some days where i can get up leave and go without an issue. other days the thought of going out for even 30 seconds makes me break out in sweats. i can occasionally on these days get past it but other days its like nope not today.
When asking him to go for me the reply is sometimes its only round the corner, whats the problem? The problem is that in my mind the outside world is fucking scary, the likelihood is i wont even see anyone or anything but sometimes I’m just not strong enough to even go into the garden let alone outside.
On these days i find it hardest to parent. I know fresh air is good for me and for my daughter but when my mind is a scary place the fresh air is a luxury from opening a window.
The worst part of my anxiety is fear of going to new places, I know my daughter would thrive going to baby groups. shes so clever as it is and already hitting her milestones months before shes meant to hit them but my anxiety is holding her back from meeting new babies and learning new things and its probably the biggest mum guilt I’ve ever felt.
I’m learning daily how to cope and get better, I’ve found silent meditation whilst shes sleeping is the best way to get myself pumped for the day. “I can do this, my daughters well being is more important than mine, my mind will not beat me.”
Somedays this works and other days it really doesn’t but every day is a new challenge and new adventure and one day hopefully in the near future i will be able to be the mum she deserves.